After a hilarious discussion about men that have graced our pasts as well as the pasts of other friends, my friend Denise and I agreed to write blog posts that would enlighten some ladies out there about the perils of dating in your twenties and possibly thirties…for some.
Though being happily married has taken me out of the dating game, I most definitely have a list of the one’s that you date and the ones that you don’t.
(No offense, gentlemen. Hopefully you find this post amusing-it’s all in fun)
But first, read Denise’s blog post because it’s beyond hilarious…and true.
Secondly, before I write anything,… if you can find the gentleman that you just met on this site, Dontdatehimgirl, you need to cut him loose asap.
Now that I’ve got you properly paranoid, onto the list:
1. The DJ: In your late teens, early twenties, it might be fun. You get into clubs for free. Drinks are free (among other substances) but …he’s a DJ. HELLO. Unless your game is stronger than his (as in your the hot chick dancing like a pro on the speakers while he’s DJing and you’re surrounded by a circle of male fans that keep him in check), then give it up. It’s quite likely that he’ll be trading you in for a wide eyed twink in about five minutes.
2. The Surfer: Waves are his women. He’s in love with the ocean. You are merely arm candy and someone to pass the time when there are no waves. Yeah, he’s hot and his talk of the ocean is deep, but more than likely, he’s got a wide range of STD’s.
3. “He’s in the band”– I don’t care if he’s the singer, the drummer (“but he’s so deep and emotional!”), the bass guitarist or the lead, he’s IN. A. BAND. Do you know why he’s in a band? Certainly not to have a long monogamous relationship with a girl that’s at home while he’s on tour. Capisce?
4. The Photographer: If he’s a landscape or nature photographer only, then go for it. But if he’s a fashion photographer or “enjoys photographing body landscapes,” JUST. SAY. NO. He’s surrounded by beautiful, NAKED models all day long. Unless he’s hideous, they will sleep with him. Actually, even if he is hideous, they’ll probably sleep with him.
5. The Actor: I know, I know. He’s pretty. He’s fun. There’s never a dull moment. He’s so spontaneous. But he’s CRAZY (and I quote the loveable Paul Rudd on this—he told me many years ago during a cocktail party in the west village that “All actors are crazy.” Paul Rudd wouldn’t lie.)
But maybe you like that. Maybe you like waking up next to a different personality every morning. It gets especially interesting if he’s the type that “stays in character” the whole time he’s in a play or shooting a movie. Good times.
6. The “I’m in an open marriage” Guy: They’re usually really hot, never wear wedding rings, and spring the “I’m in an open marriage” on you during the first date. Oh yeah, buddy? Does your wife know? How about you get her on the phone? I’d like to chat with her.
7. The Chef: He works from 9am-2:00am the following morning, chain smokes, and most likely does a lot of coke. Don’t believe me? Hello, read Anthony Bourdain’s memoirs. Maybe wait this one out and check back on him when he’s got his own restaurant under control (I have a soft spot for chefs).
8. The Writer: More than likely he’s an alcoholic, carries a flask on his person or a bottle in the trunk and has a secret addiction to adderall. BUT, you are his inspiration and you secretly love it. You are his muse.
Every breath you take
Every move you make
Every bond you break
Every step you take
He’ll write about you
Every single day
Every word you say
Every game you play
Every night you stay
He’ll be writing about yoooooou.
9. The Importer/Exporter: He’s a drug dealer, plain and simple. Trust me on this.
10. The Stockbroker/Finance Guy: One of his best friends is the Importer/Exporter. He’s got about four to five women dangling at the same time and will break up with you via his personal assistant when someone else has taken the lead in his arm candy race. A dear friend of mine was a personal assistant for one of these lovely gentlemen. She got a $10,000 bonus at Christmas for her “troubles.”
I actually could add about twenty more to this list but I’ll save that for a later post. Or book.
My only advice to you ladies is to not be lured in by the glitz and bravado. When they talk a good game, they’re usually playing a good game.Take notice of the sweet quiet guy who opens the door and smiles shyly at you. Most likely, he’s the one you should be with.